Dangerous Aliens and Mad Doctors
by TheHellcow
Summary: Engineer always has a plan for everything, also for keeping the team under control. But Medic is appointed with that task when he has to go away for a day. And Medic can't control anything, least of all himself..!


A random, normal day in Teufort. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines and everyone was relaxing as it was one of their rare days off..

 **Engineers POV:**

Engie had for a long time seen it coming and now it was unavoidable. He HAS to drive to the town to get some new tools, since his old ones after many years wear now are unrepairable broken. He knows he always can order them via Mann Co. but their stuff are always horrible overpriced and they only deal with one tool company, and that is Bosch. Engineer ONLY uses DeWALT for his beloved machines and no big australian Lumber-Jack is going to change that. He ain't stupid, he knows that the tool shop in the town a couple of hours away has all he needs, to normal prices, he isn't fooled (Unlike many others, including some of his own teammates) by the fancy magazines from where they promise that their stuff is the best quality to the best prices. If just his coworkers were normal persons he would have done the deed a long time ago. But they aren't. They are all madder than a pig in a candy shop, and it would go to hell in a handbasket real fast if they were left without supervision. He needs to find the doctor before he goes anywhere, that's for sure.

"Howdy, Medic..! Wait a sec, will ya?"

"Ja..?"

The small Texan man runs up to the doctor in the end of the long corridor, gasping after breath when he finally reaches him.

"You should excercise more, mein hardhatted Freund. It vould be much more healthy for you."

"Yeah, well, hah.. Let's take that another time, 'kay..? I, phew.. I have a favor to ask ya.."

"Ach so?".

Engineer gasses up his truck and drive off from the base, feeling certain that everything will be fine when he returns. He knows that Medic as a doctor also can be professional and keep things in order, even though he is kind of an eccentric person. A doctor have to have these qualities when dealing with human lives, right?

Many hours later, when he parks his truck by the base again, he feels how his heart sinks down into the gut when he sees smoke curling out of the open front door and hears the screams from inside. What in the name of the Holy Father of technical blueprints has happened here!?

 **Medics POV:**

So the little builder was going out for today, not a problem. He knew that the cowboy was the one to keep things running smoothly around here, but how hard can that be for a single day? Surely nothing too bad could happen for such short time when Medic was the one responsible.

"HEY, FRITZ!"

The booming voice and discriminating name could only mean one person in this team: Soldier.

"I just saw a truck looking suspiciously a lot like ENGIES truck drive off! Either someone just stole his truck or the aliens finally found us and believes the truck to be our overlord and kidnapped it! I know that the last possibility must be the truth, I just need the last confirmation from an eyewitness..!"

Medics sighs and pinches his nose. Okay, maybe things will not run entirely smoothly, but some small bumps here and there was fine.

"Nein mein small headed comrade.. Engie himself is driving zat truck. He apparently needs new tools from the nearby town."

"WHAT!? Is that damn cow-rider a DESERTER!?"

"I did NOT say-"

"TEAM RRRRRRRED, ASSEMBLE!""

When the remaining mercenaries are gathered in the kitchen, Soldier explains the horrible truth for them, that the Engineer turned out to be an alien in disguise and now finally has turned his back upon them and gone to the enemy lines to tell them all the secrets of the RED. Medic tries to interrupt him several times but are stopped every time, either by a shovel to the face, a wurst in the mouth or a apple to keep the doctor away.

When Soldier is done talking, all of the team looks sufficiently scared, except Spy, who just shakes his head and walks away with his fingers in his ears humming a french tune, and a feral looking Sniper. When Soldier drags off with Heavy and Demoman, Scout and Pyro trailing behind them, to plan their defenses against the upcoming alien invasion, Medic sits tiredly down beside Sniper, hoping that the planning can keep them busy for awhile and out of trouble until Engineer returns.

"So, Herr Sniper.. I guess helmet-head didn't scare you?"

"Scared, me? Nah, why should I be scared?"

"Ach, finally someone who sees reaso-"

"I ain't scared of no alien, Imma shoot it on tha spot!"

"Was!?"

"Yeah mate, it would be the ultimate trophy of all! I reckon even my ol' Da would be proud of his boy if I can present him the head of a space chimp and tell him how I prevented an invasion!"

"Mein Gott…"

As Sniper walks off to prepare for his prey, Medic keeps seated for a while as he contemplates his options. After thinking for a while he can only see one solution and he stands to go find Spy.

"Hallo.. May I come in..?"

"Yes, yes, as long as you close ze door to keep ze other lunatics out.."

Medic closes the door and turns around, his eyes skimming Spys big, fancy smoking room, until he sees the French man sitting by the fire, reading a book.

"I have a favo- Vait, vhy are zhe fire lit in the middle of the day!?"

Spy closes his book with an "thump" and looks at him with cold eyes, apparently very annoyed.

"Is zat why you 'ere, to ask me why I indulge in a lit fireplace when our teammates right now are preparing for a non existing extraterrestrial attack?"

"Ach, of course not.. I have a favor to ask of you.."

Moments after Medic stands outside Spys door with his disguise kit in his hands, a bit unsure what just happened, but sure about one thing; Spy would NOT disguise himself as Engineer to prove he as a fact is NOT an alien. Not on his day off, no Siree Bob.

Medic sighs. You always have to do everything yourself..!

 **Snipers POV**

Sniper looks around the corner in his little, home-build nest, on the lookout for the Engineer-alien in the hall of the base. The new nest is build strategically good, with nice view all over the room, and almost stable too. He has placed a couple of tables on top of each other and scattered a bunch of boxes around on top to hide behind and at the moment he crouches behind the larges of the crates, with his eye to the scope. He can see the main part of his team lurking around the front door in the base, looking terrified. He snickers, don't they know that aliens have long tentacles? The only way to fight a space monster is shooting at it from a distance - a job for only a Sniper.

Scout is positively about to shit his pants and he shakes so much that his cap is almost falling off his head as he hugs his baseball bat close to him. Pyro stands as far away from the door as possible, hiding behind a giant Unicorn plush and only popping out their head once in a while to make sure that everything is still safe. Heavy, Demoman and Soldier is standing on both sides of the door, tripping a bit as Soldier is giving the last pep talk, to encourage his men before the attack.

"Howdy, vhat are y'all folks doin' in here?" A voice with German-trying-to-sound-Texan accent sounds from the hallway and Sniper whips his head around so fast that his hat almost flies off of him, and sees the little figure of Engineer step into the hall. Shoite, the alien has figured them out! The clever bastard avoided their trap and is now going to attack them from behind! None of them was prepared for such a sneaky attempt, since it's not very alien-like, aliens charge right onto their prey, not slinking behind the target like some useless Spook. Sniper yelps and swings his rifle towards the enemy, ready for the shot, but the violent movement was too much for the fragile tables beneath him, and with a loud ruckus they breaks, making him and all the boxes and crates fall to the floor in a thunderous racket. Pyro lets out a high squeal and yanks off the unicorn plushies head, revealing a mean looking flamethrower.

"Oh fuck.." Sniper scrambles to get out of the way as the positively panicked pyromaniac lits the flame thrower and swings it around, setting everything on fire. Everyone starts to run for the exit, but Soldier roars that him and Demoman have boobytrapped the door to surprise the aliens, so they can't go that way. Everyone, but the stampeding Pyro, turns around on the spot and with the Engie-alien in front they storm out of the hall, closing the door behind them, trapping the fire. A loud "Kaboom!" sounds from the room they just left, and Demoman looks at Soldier with his remaining eye.

"I thin' tha' Pyro jus' set off the trap. We're defenseless agains' the alien now!"

"Uhm guys.. You do realise that the alien is right here with us, right!?" By Scouts exclamation everyone screams and back aways from the small Texan man in their middle.

"Mein Freunde, listen.."

"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD now it speaks like the sauerkraut-eating Doc, it's even more scary!"

Everyone starts screaming again, drowning out Engineers explanations.

"DO somethin'!"

"Who, ME!? Why dontcha do it yourself, you kangaroo-eatin-"

"MAGGOTS, shut up and kill the bastard!"

"You are all being very schtoopid-"

"It talks like Doctor! What if Doctor is alien too!?"

"Well, YOU should know better than anyone, fat fatty fatso!"

"Crickey, just whack it with yer bat like some Bear Jew or somethin'!"

"Yeah fine, fine, just let Scout save the day once again - BONK!"

A loud "OUCH!" followed the blow from the baseball bat and everyone looks anxiously on Engineer, now sitting on the floor, rubbing his head which is sporting a giant lump.

".. Zhis was zhe last straw.. All you SCHWEINHUNDS are DEAD now!"

He stands up and tears off the Engineer mask, revealing a very much enraged Medic, still sporting a massive lump on his forehead. The other mercenaries looks both confused and scared, not sure if this is just their regular crazy doctor or they're still dealing with an alien. Most of them wishing for the last option. As Medic (no doubt left, this was very much Medic, not some small alien, unfortunately) pulls out his bonesaw and syringe gun with a murderous look in his eyes, everyone flees as fast as they can. Syringes rains down over their heads and Medic laughs maniacally as the needles bore into the skin, making the stupid men scream for mercy.

"Howdy, Doc, what in the blazing hell are ya doing!? I told ya ta keep order on things, not wreck it all..!"

Medic halts his shooting and looks confused around.

"Herr Engineer..!? Back so soon..?"

"Ohh for Christs sake, I can't leave this place for even a second.. I thought better of you, Doc.. But you're even worse than all the others!"

As Medic puts his weapons away and follows the angry Texan with a stream of apologies flowing non-stop from his lips, the rest of the mercenaires breathe a sigh of relief. Saved from both dangerous aliens and mad doctors in the last second by everyones friend, the Engineer. What on earth would they do without him..!


End file.
